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| Remember as kids, we'd always be told by our parents and teachers to "look both ways before you cross the street." It's a great rule that I continue to live by to this day, but there's a second just-as-important rule that is just as vital but not nearly as well-known when it comes to conventional pedestrian safety common sense. For example, when I'm about to cross a really busy street, I'll always make sure to maintain a "human shield" between myself and any potential oncoming traffic. Korea is a modern and developed country, but one thing that is still very not-developed about Korea is that it has a shitload of motorcyclists, and in Korea for some retarded reason, motorcycles are basically treated like pedestrians and given free rein to travel anywhere and everywhere they want - they can go full speed on pedestrian-crowded sidewalks, drive right up to building entrances, etc. It's it's fucking insane and it just goes to show how Korea is still a relatively "young" country in terms of its overall development. That, and the laws stating that if you're drunk when you commit a crime, that can help you get a reduced sentence, since you were supposedly too mentally impaired to exercise good judgment. There was this one issue that got national attention this past October when a 57-year old dude was tried and sentenced to just 12 years in prison after kidnapped and brutally raped and tortured a 7-year old girl who was going to school < http://joongangdaily.joins.com/article/view.asp?aid=2910833>. The girl sustained irreversible damage to her anus, genitals, and colon/intestines, not to mention she'll never be able to live a truly "normal" life for the rest of her still-young life. He was sentenced by a local court for only 12 years with the justification that because he was intoxicated he didn't know what he was doing. WHAT THE FUCK. Even after a huge public backlash over the comically light sentence, the Supreme Court ended up backing the original sentencing. WHAT THE FUCK. ANYWAY (sigh), like I was saying, you never know when a reckless motorcyclist might try to run a red light and just mow through a crosswalk and accidentally maim god who knows how many people, or absentmindedly turn a corner at full speed and ram into some little kid who's walking to school. I'm a pretty risk-averse guy for the most part (yeah ladies, I know you find that hot) and I make sure never to let myself be needlessly exposed to the risk of getting hit by a motorcycle or car. So, whenever I'm crossing a busy intersection, I'll always have to make sure to keep a person between me and oncoming traffic. But you gotta be careful and make sure the angle is right, so if a car or motorcycle does run the red light and come straight in my direction, it will hit that person first, and that person's lifeless body will act as a kind of "airbag" for me and deafen the blow of the car/motorcycle when it reaches me next. One thing about this rule, you'd think that the best kind of involuntarily designated human shield would be some big strong dude who works out a lot, but you'd be wrong. The best people to keep between you and wayward drivers are actually grannies. Why grannies? First off, they are old and flabby and they have very soft bones after countless years of physical inactivity and osteoperosis. You know how cars nowadays are designed to "crumple" on impact, in order to soften the impact and protect the people inside? Well lucky for us, it just so happens that God designed grannies' bodies to do the exact same thing when struck by a large moving object. Before I'm about to walk across a dangerous street, I'll look at the people next to me and quickly pinpoint any grannies in the crowd. Because Korea has an aging population (old people are increasingly outnumbering young people because the birthrate is so low), grannies are never in short supply. As I start to cross, I'll make sure I'm being shielded by at least one but ideally two or more grannies, making sure to walk at the right speed and the right angle so that they are exactly between me and oncoming traffic. That way, they would be the first to be hit by a wayward motorist and their soft, frail bodies would crumple perfectly on impact, so that by the time they reach me, I would just safely bounce off the grannies' lifeless bodies, startled but otherwise unharmed. | | |
| As you all know, the number you dial in the US when you're in trouble and you need the police or an ambulance is "911." In Korea, the number to call when you're in trouble is "119." One day when I become wealthy and influential, I'm going to build a memorial for all the American dyslexics who have tragically died on Korean soil over the years. ======================= Funny thing, for the first year that I was in Korea, I never saw a single (Korean) midget. Which is weird, because I always assumed that midget-ism is a universal thing and it affects all races and all nationalities. I didn't see any midgets here for an entire year, but in the past 3 months or so I think I have seen a Korean midget almost every day. EVERY DAY. What the hell is going on? What is causing this strange phenomenon? Seeing all these Korean midgets kind of reminds me of how when it rains, you see a lot of earthworms on the sidewalk because the soil becomes saturated with water and they have to come up to the surface in order to avoid drowning. In that case, what would be the metaphoric "rain" that is causing all the midgets to emerge out of their underground burrows and come up to the surface? I'm very curious... ======================= Bad Pun of the Day "Hey man, you going out tonight?" Response A: Sorry dude, can't. I gotta stay in tonight to write my essay.
(i.e. Complete a written composition for class) Response B: Sorry dude, can't. I gotta stay in tonight to write my esse.
(i.e. Write a letter to one's Mexican friend/homeboy. See also: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=esse) ======================= Fun Fact of the Day The Chinese word for vagina, "阴道" (yin1 dao4), translates literally to mean "dark/cloudy road." Which makes perfect sense, given how depressed and melancholy guys get when going down this "dark and cloudy road." (/sarcasm) Kind of sounds like something Darth Vader might say - "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side of the Force." Then again, maybe the vagina really is a dark and sinister force after all. Women use its terrifying power to seduce you, you eventually end up getting married to one of them, and then they slowly suck all the life and goodness out of you until you end up becoming a shrivelled, miserable, gray-skinned shell of a man like Emperor Palpatine. | | |
| Revolutionary Road >>> Revolutionary Chode He's Just Not That Into You >>> He's Just Not That Into Poo
Note: The sequel to "2 Girls 1 Cup" No Country for Old Men >>> No Cunt for Old Men Little Miss Sunshine >>> Little Miss Where-The-Sun-Don't-Shine Halloween >>> Hello, Ween(er) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers >>> Lord of the Cock Rings: The Two Towering Cocks Gangs of New York >>> Gangbangs of New York Juno >>> Poon-o Titanic >>> Titanic Cock Field of Dreams >>> Field of Wet Dreams E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial >>> E.T. the Enormous Titties Monster's Ball >>> Monster Balls Dick Tracy >>> A Dick in Tracy Close Encounters of the Third Kind >>> Close Encounters of the Best Kind A Beautiful Mind >>> A Beautiful Behind Watchmen >>> Watch Men Masturbating The 40-Year-Old Virgin >>> The 40 Year-Old Virgins (Category: Pedophilia Gangbang) Milk >>> Penis Milk Deep Impact >>> Deep Impact In My Anus Good Will Hunting >>> Hunting for Good Willies (Category: Gay) Mr. Smith Goes to Washington >>> Mr. Smith Goes to Wash Some Slut With His Semen Movies that don't need a separate porn title:
There Will Be Blood (Category: Virgin / Underage) Julie & Julia (Category: Lesbians / Food) Chocolat (Category: French Black Guys) Frost/Nixon (Category: Gay / Politician Fetish) Fast & Furious (Category: Premature Ejaculations Compilation)
Note: Guy = Fast, and afterwards Girl = Furious | | |
| Goddamn, it's been exactly 6 months or half a year since I wrote my last Xanga entry. That's simply unacceptable. I have potential Xanga ideas all the time and will periodically write them down somewhere and forget about it for a while. The majority of these ideas which seem awesome and hilarious when I think of them, but unfortunately when I come back around to reading them several weeks later, they sound like total shit and are totally unfunny. Anyway, from the pages of notes I had from the past several months, I was able to scrounge up some acceptable material. Here is a little bit of a tease for next time. I'll start with another "Pros/Cons of living in Korea" piece. Awesome: Just like the rest of the world, South Korea has been in a recession for the past 6 to 9 months or so. And when you're in the midst of a recession, of course people will discuss the economy and how it's affecting them and people they know. And of course one of the words that will be thrown around quite often is "unemployment." The unemployment in the US has been pretty bad, and it's been no different in Korea. Lots of stories of people being laid off and of fresh college graduates being unable to find work. ANYWAY, it just so happens that the Korean word for "unemployment" (실업, roughly pronounced she-lup) is phonetically equivalent to the way a Korean person would pronounce the English word "syrup" in their Korean accent. The two words sound exactly the same in Korean. So this kinda sucks for me, because anytime a Korean person starts talking about how bad unemployment is in Korea, I start drooling and my eyes glaze over thinking about pouring delicious maple syrup all over my fresh, crispy-on-the-outside fluffy-on-the-inside Belgian waffles. Who would have ever thought I'd get a boner* listening to someone talk about unemployed Korean men and women unable to provide for their family? Probably not many, besides maybe myself, my girlfriend, and Miguel, my gardener. But don't blame me for getting sexually aroused at the thought of depressed jobless people, blame whoever thought it would be a good idea to make those two words sound the same. Fuckin' asshole. *To be specific, a food boner (an erection caused by listening to descriptions of delicious food). Blows: One of the things you will notice if you spend any amount of time living in Korea and being with Korean people all the time, is how much Korean people just LOVE food. It's not just that they love it, I really think it's one of the main pillars of Korean culture. For example, in Korea, offering to buy someone food is seen as the highest form of love and goodwill that you can offer to another person. So yeah, Korean society likes food, and I guess food is aite, so if you like food, then you'll probably like Korea. BUT, of course just like how for every Yin there must be a Yang, and for every ugly man there is an equally ugly women willing to have sex with him, there is a morally reprehensible side to this generally positive aspect of Korean culture. In Korea, as a rule, if someone has greatly inconvenienced you or fucked you over in some way, then that person will 99 times out of 100 offer to buy you a meal sometime, and by doing that everything is automatically resolved and "cool" between the two of you, no questions asked. Somehow, ruining someone's day and then buying them a $5 lunch is supposed to magically make everything better. REALLY??? THAT'S HOW IT WORKS IN THIS COUNTRY?!!?? So because you wasted my time and fucked up my day and ruined my reputation, you buying me a bowl of shitty bibimbap somehow makes us even? You know what else would make us even? Fucking yourself. I can just imagine it now. Some dude I don't know calls me up one day, and we have the following conversation - "So let me get this straight, so you're telling me that you kidnapped my baby nephew and sodomized my grandmother with his right arm? HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FUCKING... wait, you're willing to get me the 2 for 1 special at KFC? Well now that you mention it, ripped assholes will heal and a baby can live with a desecrated arm, but a $5 bucket of fried chicken is forever. Fucking assholes. This seriously happens to me all the time here. Someone will ask me for a favor that requires me to go out of my way to help them, and I'm just such a nice guy that I help them without thinking much of it, no problem. And then the next time they ask me to do something similar. And again the next time. And again, and again, and again. And of course I'm getting pissed now because this person is obviously manipulating me and playing me for a goddamn fool. And at some point around the 10th favor, they'll finally say "I really appreciate how much you've helped me out recently, how about we get lunch sometime?" So my reward for giving you 7 hours of my labor that I could've spent doing something I actually enjoy doing, my reward is I get to eat a $5 lunch with the asshole that made me do all this menial-ass shit that you can't do yourself? THANKS BUT NO THANKS, DOUCHEBAG. | | |
| Awesome: So there's this really big intersection pretty close to my house here that I have to cross every day to get to work. The intersection is busiest around 8pm when everyone is getting off work, and is also the time I usually get off work. Anyway, when it's around 8pm and I am walking home and I get to that intersection, it's always packed with people waiting for the light to turn green so that they can cross. And when I say packed, I mean PACKED, like if I'm at the front-center of the crowd, there'll be people 10 yards to my left and 10 years to my right, and 10-15 people deep behind me, all packed into this small space like sardines. When the light finally turns green and everyone starts walking forward, you also see the people on the OTHER side of the intersection walking towards you, and it feels like a slow-motion version of a battle scene in Braveheart or something, where the two opposing armies start charging each other on the battlefield, and eventually the two sides meet/collide in the middle and all hell breaks loose, kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwW_y2TuW58&NR=1
When I get to that intersection at night, I like to make my way towards the front so I can feel like I'm on the frontline and really "part of the action," and it just generally feels really badass like I'm about to stab a sword into someone and then lick the blood off or something. Sometimes I'll get too into it and unknowingly start shouting a battle cry at the top of my lungs, but it's usually alright because I like to leave my Glock tucked inside the front of my belt/pants in plain sight for everyone to see, so people usually don't bother me or ask me why I just roared at the top of my lungs like a man in prison getting "broken in" by his 6'4" 260 pound cellmate named Bubba on his first night in the joint. Blows: So there's this 18-year-old girl in Korea named Kim Yu-Na who is a professional figure skater, one of the best in the world (currently ranked third in the world). She's been on a roll lately, basically winning every tournament she enters. Anytime she wins a tournament, it's all over the front pages of the Korean newspapers the next morning. She is one of the most highly recognized athletes and one of the most adored media figures in South Korea. She's called "Our Little Sister" (translated from Korean) because she's the nation's darling/sweetheart. She's definitely pretty for a female athlete and she is very representatively "Korean-looking." Anyway, the reason Kim Yu-Na pisses me off is not because of Kim Yu-Na herself or anything she has done. In fact, everyone in Korea is in love with her and tunes in to watch anytime she is competing, and it's hard not to like her. No, the reason she PISSES me off is that now all of a sudden, everyone in Korea and their grandmother is suddenly an expert on figure skating and has to make absurd pseudoknowledgable figure skating commentary anytime she's on TV. They'll say shit like, "Yeah, she really has trouble with those catch-foot spirals" or "Wow, what a beautiful double-axel!" Ridiculous. I've watched a few of Kim Yu-Na's competitions when other people were watching, and yeah shes seems pretty good at that figure skating stuff, but honestly how would I know? I can't tell the difference between ANY two professional figure skaters' performances (assuming neither of them fell down). Plus I refuse to follow any sport where the winner is determined by human judges, but that's another story. Either way, I've watched figure skating a few times before in my life just because it happened to be on TV, but just because Kim Yu-Na is on TV all the time nowadays doesn't mean I'm suddenly gonna become an expert, and this is also true for EVERY OTHER KOREAN PERSON ON THE KOREAN PENINSULA. You've never watched figure skating before, and you've only started to occasionally watch figure skating in the past year, so STOP SPOUTING IGNORANT SHIT FROM YOUR MOUTH LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I'm fine if people say things like, "Wow she looks so graceful," or "Wow she has so much charisma and style when she skates." Those are things that are observable and able to be subjectively judged by the everyday person/layman. But when people start having conversations with each other saying shit like "Did you see Kim Yuh-Na the other day? She really needs to work on that camel spin of hers if she's going to medal at her next event" ...it just drives me apeshit insane. You know what YOU need to work on, you douche? Fucking yourself. | | |
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