Ways In Which Korea Is Awesome, Ways In Which Korea Blows: Part III

Awesome: So there's this really big intersection pretty close to my house here that I have to cross every day to get to work. The intersection is busiest around 8pm when everyone is getting off work, and is also the time I usually get off work. Anyway, when it's around 8pm and I am walking home and I get to that intersection, it's always packed with people waiting for the light to turn green so that they can cross. And when I say packed, I mean PACKED, like if I'm at the front-center of the crowd, there'll be people 10 yards to my left and 10 years to my right, and 10-15 people deep behind me, all packed into this small space like sardines. When the light finally turns green and everyone starts walking forward, you also see the people on the OTHER side of the intersection walking towards you, and it feels like a slow-motion version of a battle scene in Braveheart or something, where the two opposing armies start charging each other on the battlefield, and eventually the two sides meet/collide in the middle and all hell breaks loose, kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwW_y2TuW58&NR=1
When I get to that intersection at night, I like to make my way towards the front so I can feel like I'm on the frontline and really "part of the action," and it just generally feels really badass like I'm about to stab a sword into someone and then lick the blood off or something. Sometimes I'll get too into it and unknowingly start shouting a battle cry at the top of my lungs, but it's usually alright because I like to leave my Glock tucked inside the front of my belt/pants in plain sight for everyone to see, so people usually don't bother me or ask me why I just roared at the top of my lungs like a man in prison getting "broken in" by his 6'4" 260 pound cellmate named Bubba on his first night in the joint.

Blows: So there's this 18-year-old girl in Korea named Kim Yu-Na who is a professional figure skater, one of the best in the world (currently ranked third in the world).  She's been on a roll lately, basically winning every tournament she enters. Anytime she wins a tournament, it's all over the front pages of the Korean newspapers the next morning. She is one of the most highly recognized athletes and one of the most adored media figures in South Korea. She's called "Our Little Sister" (translated from Korean) because she's the nation's darling/sweetheart. She's definitely pretty for a female athlete and she is very representatively "Korean-looking."

Anyway, the reason Kim Yu-Na pisses me off is not because of Kim Yu-Na herself or anything she has done. In fact, everyone in Korea is in love with her and tunes in to watch anytime she is competing, and it's hard not to like her. No, the reason she PISSES me off is that now all of a sudden, everyone in Korea and their grandmother is suddenly an expert on figure skating and has to make absurd pseudoknowledgable figure skating commentary anytime she's on TV.

They'll say shit like, "Yeah, she really has trouble with those catch-foot spirals" or "Wow, what a beautiful double-axel!" Ridiculous. I've watched a few of Kim Yu-Na's competitions when other people were watching, and yeah shes seems pretty good at that figure skating stuff, but honestly how would I know? I can't tell the difference between ANY two professional figure skaters' performances (assuming neither of them fell down). Plus I refuse to follow any sport where the winner is determined by human judges, but that's another story. Either way, I've watched figure skating a few times before in my life just because it happened to be on TV, but just because Kim Yu-Na is on TV all the time nowadays doesn't mean I'm suddenly gonna become an expert, and this is also true for EVERY OTHER KOREAN PERSON ON THE KOREAN PENINSULA. You've never watched figure skating before, and you've only started to occasionally watch figure skating in the past year, so STOP SPOUTING IGNORANT SHIT FROM YOUR MOUTH LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I'm fine if people say things like, "Wow she looks so graceful," or "Wow she has so much charisma and style when she skates." Those are things that are observable and able to be subjectively judged by the everyday person/layman. But when people start having conversations with each other saying shit like "Did you see Kim Yuh-Na the other day? She really needs to work on that camel spin of hers if she's going to medal at her next event" ...it just drives me apeshit insane. You know what YOU need to work on, you douche? Fucking yourself.

The Return of "Pornographic Movie Titles"

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button -----------> The Curious Case of Ben-Jammin' (it in the) Butt... on

Pulp Fiction ----------> Pulpy DickLotion

I Am Legend -----------> I Am Legend... Of Cock

Citizen Kane ----------> Citizen Vaginal Pain

Ben-Hur ----------> Bend-Hur Over

Fantastic Four ----------> Fan-of-the-Man-Stick 4

Donnie Darko ----------> Donnie the Dark Ho

Fight Club ----------> CockFight Club
          "They didn't tell him which kind of cockfighting, until it was too late..."
          "He brought his pet rooster hoping to make some money, but he had no idea..."

Farewell My Concubine ----------> Farewell My Pussy Pal

The 300 ----------> The 300 Cocks

Schindler's List ----------> (taken off because it was too offensive)

The Sixth Sense ----------> The Six Cents ...That I Paid Your Mother For Sex
          In the dramatic climax of the film in which the protagonist is actually himself climaxing, he finds out that the
          mother he is having sex with is actually not a mother at all. And she's also a ghost.

James and the Giant Peach ----------> James and the Giant Bitch

The Passion of the Christ ----------> Jesus Getting "Nailed" From Behind

Armageddon ----------> I'm-a-geddon Some Pussy Tonight

THE END

(This entry inspired by Tina Zeng)

Reviews of Movies I've Seen Recently

The Strangers (2008)

Plot: A story about 3 masked evil people who terrorize and eventually murder a young couple in their summer home. Basically a cat-and-mouse slasher film, with almost all the action happening in/near the house.

Plusses:

• Good directing. Good plot premise. The first 45 minutes or so of the movie is pretty solid.

Minuses:

• At one point, the couple (Liv Tyler and some dude I don't know) are about to get it on on top of the dinner table, but then they're interrupted by a knock on the door (from one of the "Strangers"). What a tease.
  
  
• This movie is titled "The Strangers," but what it *should've* been called is "The 3 Ninjas" or "The Ninjas Strangers" or "The Strangers Who Are Actually Ninjas." This is one of those movies with a lot of scenes where the protagonist sees one of the bad guys in the middle of a field, they turn their head for a second, then when they look back the bad guy is gone. Or where the killers are able to sneak into the house while the protagonist is in it and mess with a bunch of shit all over the house and then slip out unnoticed without making a sound, so that the protagonist gets all scared and shit thinking "Oh shit someone messed with all the shit in the room while I was in it and I didn't even notice." I hate scenes like this because normal people cannot do that. The only people capable of "disappearing" from a scene in a matter of seconds or moving through a room without being seen/heard like that, are ninjas. Also, did I mention that the 3 killers are all wearing these masks that would allow no peripheral vision whatsoever? And that somehow, they're able to know exactly where the two protagonists are in the house at all times? Basically, the three killers in this movie are omniscient ninja masters. Terrible.
  
  
• The protagonists are able to find a shotgun and like 20+ shotgun shells, but still end up fucking it up and getting the shotgun taken away. Terrible. First of all, you had a fully-loaded shotgun and still got killed, so you should be ashamed of yourselves. Secondly, if I had a shotgun and I knew I was going up againts a trio of ninjas, the last thing I would do is try to take them on from inside the house, where the ninjas are in their element and can use their cunning ninja wiles to make mince meat out of me. No, if I had a shotgun I would get out of that house as quickly as I could, find a wide-open outdoor area, and then stand back to back with my partner so that we have a 360 degree view of our surroundings, so that if any of those ninja motherfuckers tried to sneak up on me, they'd get a free order of shotgun sandwich in their faces.

Conclusion: This movie kinda blew, and it would've been better if I was in it. I would've ignored any strangers/ninjas knocking on the door and made sure Liv Tyler got the proper boning she deserved, and I'd have made better use of that fully-loaded shotgun.

The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

Plot (from IMDB): As the English and French soldiers battle for control of the North American colonies in the 18th century, the settlers and native Americans are forced to take sides. Cora and her sister Alice unwittingly walk into trouble but are saved by Hawkeye, an orphaned settler adopted by the last of the Mohicans.

Minuses:

• No steamy boning scene between the protagonist and the foxing leading lady. Any respectable historical epic film like this one should have a scene where the manly protagonist and the foxy leading lady have a steamy lovemaking session, with bonus points for any such scene that allows us to see the foxy leading lady's jumblees. You need a hot boning scene in manly movies like this because it provides a nice change of pace. The two most important ingredients in a manly epic movies like this are 1) lots of people getting maimed and/or killed by the badass protagonists, and 2) some foxy ladies who will get freaky with said protagonist(s) midway through the movie. This movie did have two bosomy babes with potential, but alas, none of that potential was realized during the course of the movie. This movie was nothing if not a big tease for my weiner. There's even this one scene where it's night and the main characters are all hiding in the woods from the bad guys. In the scene, the badass leading man and the foxy leading lady have a good ten minute chat, with the girl all doe-eyed and asking the dude a bunch of questions about his past and shit like that. You can totally tell she wants his body, and in response, the dude even uses the old "looking up at the stars together while telling the chick an old Mohican folktale about the origin of the moon and the stars" trick that guys always use when they want to get into a girl's pants. Alas, all this hot and heavy sexual tension leads to absolutely nothing. They do end up having a sloppy makeout session later on inside a fort that's being bombarded by enemy cannons, but the scene is just ambiguous enough that we can't be sure whether any penis-in-vagina actually took place or not. What a damn shame.
  
  
• http://eagleearentertainment.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/last-of-the-mohicans.jpg
  This movie poster, a picture of a man running at full speed with a weapon in hand and a serious look on his face, actually sums about a third of the movie, I kid you not. The main characters of this movie (the three "last Mohicans") literally spend a good thirty minutes of the movie running through a forest while carrying their rifle/ax, with the dramatic, pulse-pounding film score playing in the background. On second thought though, I actually cannot complain about this because it actually was pretty badass. If you think about it, there's really nothing more manly than a manly dude running through a forest with a gun or sharp stabbing weapon in hand and ready to maim and kill as many people as possible. This was basically the premise for the Rambo movies, Predator, etc. Alright I'm moving this to the "Plusses" section.

Plusses:

• The main characters of this movie (the three "last Mohicans") literally spend a good thirty minutes of the movie running through a forest while carrying their rifle/ax, with the dramatic, pulse-pounding film score playing in the background.
  
  
• Awesome music. Listening to the film's score actually makes me want to run shirtless through a forest with a rife and axe in hand. Good stuff.
  
  
• There's this one awesome battle scene where the main bad guy (this Native American dude with a mohawk) defeats this British colonel guy who supposedly murdered his family, pillaged his village, and more or less destroyed his life a few years back. The mohawked Native American dude stands over the colonel (who's lying on the ground after getting thrown off his horse) and tells him "Grayhair, before you die, know that I will put under the knife your children so I will wipe your seed from the Earth forever." He then pulls out his knife and cuts the British colonel's heart out while he's still alive, and then victoriously holds up the still-beating heart while the battle is still going on around them. Good stuff.

Conclusion: Pretty good movie overall. Had all the prerequisites for an awesome manly historical epic - Bosomy babes, a manly protagonist dude who is constantly running through forests and is shirtless at random points in the movie for no reason whatsoever, a guy getting burned alive, a guy getting his heart cut out by a dude with a mohawk, really awesome pulse-pounding background music, and the list goes on. I'm still disappointed by the lack of jumblees or a vaginal penetration scene (or least an implied vaginal penetration scene), but hey, you can't have everything in life.

War Movie Speeches

          I saw the movie "Braveheart" again recently for the first time in a looooong time, and after rewatching Mel Gibson give that famous speech where he shouts "They make take our lives, but they will never take... OUR FREEDOM!!!," well that whole spiel got me to thinking. So you're the commander of an army, and you're giving this grandiloquent speech to fire up your men, and they're all lined up in front of you, like literally thousands of people packed onto a piece of land roughly the size of a football field or two. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? How the hell are these thousands of people supposed to hear what this one dude is saying? I mean, this was obviously WAY before microphones had been invented, probably even before the reverse cowgirl position had been invented, so we're talking a prettttttyy long time ago. I mean seriously, sometimes I even have trouble hearing people on the phone, or when I'm driving and someone says something to me from the backseat. And these men who are about to go into battle are supposed to hear something being shouted to them from a football field's length away? Yeah, forgive me for having my doubts. Even at my college's Division 3 basketball games, which are indoors in an enclosed space with maybe two or three hundred people in attendance max, the person singing the Star-Spangled Banner before the game still needs a microphone for people to hear him/her. And there's a reason why when you go to any music concert, even for someting as inherently loud as heavy metal, they have those giant ten-foot-high speakers mounted on the stage, cuz it's a given fact you can't hear for shit what a lone, single person is saying/singing to you past like a 50-yard distance. I'm not sure how they got around this not-so-minor logistical snag in the 13th century. Did pre-battle speeches in movies like Braveheart not actually happen in real life because it was just physically impossible for most of your army to hear it? Or did the commander just say "Ahh fuck it, I'm giving this speech even if only 1% of my entire army actually gets to hear it"?

          This phenomenon was even more blatant in the third "Lord of the Rings" movie, when King Theoden was giving this awesome speech to an army of *tens* of thousands of men on horseback about to charge the enemy lines at Minas Tirith. I mean, the speech was pretty awesome, and I get goosebumps everytime I watch that scene in my DVD of "Return of the King", except there's just one small problem Mr. King Theoden, THE MEN IN YOUR ARMY DON'T HAVE A "RETURN OF THE KING" DVD THAT THEY CAN POP INTO THE DVD PLAYER AND HEAR YOUR SPEECH IN CRYSTAL-CLEAR DOLBY SURROUND SOUND LIKE I CAN. IT'S PROBABLY ONLY THE ONE HUNDRED OR SO PEOPLE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU CAN ACTUALLY HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. Must've sucked to be in the back, you're missing out on this amazing, rousing speech that will go down in history, all because you arrived a few minutes late to the battle site. I know for me personally, if I was in the back, I wouldn't even be trying to listen to the speech. I'd probably just be picking my nose, thinking about having sex with my wife when I get home, and trying to do that trick where you tap the person in front of you on the shoulder and hold your pointed index finger over their shoulder so their cheek hits your finger when they turn their head to see who tapped them. Man, that trick is awesome.

          And man, the more I think about it, the more those pre-battle speeches in war movies seem like total bullshit. I doubt most of the troops were even trying to listen to the speech, I bet most of them were probably just scratching their balls and thinking of ways to stay out of the action and not have to really fight anyone, so that they can live to go home and have sex with their wife (or secret male lover, for all my male homosexual readers). I guess in a way, it makes sense that only a handful of people at the very front and center of the formation could actually hear what the commander was saying, since they are probably the most likely to die, and they're probably already pissing their pants anyway, so if you're one of the unlucky few up there, might as well listen to a really awesome and manly speech before you get a sword shoved through your face within the first five minutes of the battle starting.

          Man, I hope I never have to fight in a war or go to battle like that, but if I did have to, that would be a pretty awesome way to die, by getting a sword shoved into my stomach. Then I could be really badass and grab the sword and shove it even further through me and start laughing really crazily and make the guy who stabbed me start freaking out, right before I go into shock from the pain and fall to the ground.

That is my idea of a perfect death.

Promiscuous MosquiHOES

This past weekend, I stayed over at my aunt's house, and I got the shit bitten out of me by mosquitoes that night. They got me like 4 or 5 times on the left ankle, and even though I was deep asleep I guess I was unconsciously scratching the shit out of my left ankle mosquito bites with my right foot, because I was scratching myself so vigorously that I actually unintentionally woke myself up at 2:30am in the morning. Ridiculous.

Anyway, after getting owned by all these mosquitoes, I got to wondering - Mosquitoes suck blood from the bodies of mammals in order to nourish themselves, right? And if a human man were to get bitten on the penis by a mosquito (shaft/head/base, doesn't matter), technically speaking, he got the blood from his penile area sucked by a mosquito, right? So you could say that the mosquito "sucked the guy's cock," right? And you could also say that the mosquito gave the guy a blowjob, since "sucking cock" and "blowjob" are synonyms, right? And did you know, I looked it up on Wikipedia recently, but only female mosquitoes suck blood from animals for nourishment. The males are purely nectar feeders. *Shaking my head in disapproval*. On a less related but still very related note, the wiki article also describes mosquitoes as having "a slender body, and long legs." I personally was not so lucky this past weekend, but technically speaking, if you think about it, if you were to get bitten anywhere on the crotchal region by a mosquito, you could say with full confidence and justification that you had just gotten a blowjob from a tight-bodied, leggy chick. Not bad. This really doesn't bode too well for the female mosquitoes of the world though, flying around and indiscriminately sucking off guys and then flying off to find the next guy to suck off. What kind of lifestyle is that, anyway? I mean really, do you have no shame? And these female mosquitoes, they're sucking off guys by the dozen every day, but they're not even doing it for the sake of the man's pleasure, because the guy can't feel any pleasure while it's happening, because THE GUY IS ASLEEP WHILE IT HAPPENS. What a waste of a potentially great thing. Could you imagine humans doing this? Human women climbing in through some other animal's window in the middle of the night, let's say it's a horse stable, and giving the stallions blowjobs while they're sleeping, and then scampering off before the stallions realize what happened? If you're a female mosquito and you're going to manipulate a man's penis, then you might as well have the decency to make sure they're awake while you do it. But while they're sleeping? Not only is that bestiality, it's also an act of pure cowardice if I ever saw one. And these female mosquitoes, it seems like they just like sucking purely for the sake of sucking, not because it benefits anyone else, and not because they're expecting any kind of reciprocation from the human man. The act itself is gratifying for them, and that's all they need. Btw, there's another word for that, and it's called A SLUT. I could wax politically correct about this, but there's no really no way around it. I'd like to call them whores, but that would be giving them too much credit, because I actually have a good deal of respect for whores, but I have no respect for sluts. And while no one likes to be called a slut, and for good reason, you really can't try blame me or get mad at me for this, because as the great Dave Dameshek often says,  "I didn't do this to you, YOU did this to you."

Btw, the word "MosquiHOES" in the title of this entry was thought up by my girlfriend, so props to her.