The Strangers (2008)

Plot: A story about 3 masked evil people who terrorize and eventually murder a young couple in their summer home. Basically a cat-and-mouse slasher film, with almost all the action happening in/near the house.

Plusses:

• Good directing. Good plot premise. The first 45 minutes or so of the movie is pretty solid.

Minuses:

• At one point, the couple (Liv Tyler and some dude I don't know) are about to get it on on top of the dinner table, but then they're interrupted by a knock on the door (from one of the "Strangers"). What a tease.
  
  
• This movie is titled "The Strangers," but what it *should've* been called is "The 3 Ninjas" or "The Ninjas Strangers" or "The Strangers Who Are Actually Ninjas." This is one of those movies with a lot of scenes where the protagonist sees one of the bad guys in the middle of a field, they turn their head for a second, then when they look back the bad guy is gone. Or where the killers are able to sneak into the house while the protagonist is in it and mess with a bunch of shit all over the house and then slip out unnoticed without making a sound, so that the protagonist gets all scared and shit thinking "Oh shit someone messed with all the shit in the room while I was in it and I didn't even notice." I hate scenes like this because normal people cannot do that. The only people capable of "disappearing" from a scene in a matter of seconds or moving through a room without being seen/heard like that, are ninjas. Also, did I mention that the 3 killers are all wearing these masks that would allow no peripheral vision whatsoever? And that somehow, they're able to know exactly where the two protagonists are in the house at all times? Basically, the three killers in this movie are omniscient ninja masters. Terrible.
  
  
• The protagonists are able to find a shotgun and like 20+ shotgun shells, but still end up fucking it up and getting the shotgun taken away. Terrible. First of all, you had a fully-loaded shotgun and still got killed, so you should be ashamed of yourselves. Secondly, if I had a shotgun and I knew I was going up againts a trio of ninjas, the last thing I would do is try to take them on from inside the house, where the ninjas are in their element and can use their cunning ninja wiles to make mince meat out of me. No, if I had a shotgun I would get out of that house as quickly as I could, find a wide-open outdoor area, and then stand back to back with my partner so that we have a 360 degree view of our surroundings, so that if any of those ninja motherfuckers tried to sneak up on me, they'd get a free order of shotgun sandwich in their faces.

Conclusion: This movie kinda blew, and it would've been better if I was in it. I would've ignored any strangers/ninjas knocking on the door and made sure Liv Tyler got the proper boning she deserved, and I'd have made better use of that fully-loaded shotgun.

The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

Plot (from IMDB): As the English and French soldiers battle for control of the North American colonies in the 18th century, the settlers and native Americans are forced to take sides. Cora and her sister Alice unwittingly walk into trouble but are saved by Hawkeye, an orphaned settler adopted by the last of the Mohicans.

Minuses:

• No steamy boning scene between the protagonist and the foxing leading lady. Any respectable historical epic film like this one should have a scene where the manly protagonist and the foxy leading lady have a steamy lovemaking session, with bonus points for any such scene that allows us to see the foxy leading lady's jumblees. You need a hot boning scene in manly movies like this because it provides a nice change of pace. The two most important ingredients in a manly epic movies like this are 1) lots of people getting maimed and/or killed by the badass protagonists, and 2) some foxy ladies who will get freaky with said protagonist(s) midway through the movie. This movie did have two bosomy babes with potential, but alas, none of that potential was realized during the course of the movie. This movie was nothing if not a big tease for my weiner. There's even this one scene where it's night and the main characters are all hiding in the woods from the bad guys. In the scene, the badass leading man and the foxy leading lady have a good ten minute chat, with the girl all doe-eyed and asking the dude a bunch of questions about his past and shit like that. You can totally tell she wants his body, and in response, the dude even uses the old "looking up at the stars together while telling the chick an old Mohican folktale about the origin of the moon and the stars" trick that guys always use when they want to get into a girl's pants. Alas, all this hot and heavy sexual tension leads to absolutely nothing. They do end up having a sloppy makeout session later on inside a fort that's being bombarded by enemy cannons, but the scene is just ambiguous enough that we can't be sure whether any penis-in-vagina actually took place or not. What a damn shame.
  
  
• http://eagleearentertainment.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/last-of-the-mohicans.jpg
  This movie poster, a picture of a man running at full speed with a weapon in hand and a serious look on his face, actually sums about a third of the movie, I kid you not. The main characters of this movie (the three "last Mohicans") literally spend a good thirty minutes of the movie running through a forest while carrying their rifle/ax, with the dramatic, pulse-pounding film score playing in the background. On second thought though, I actually cannot complain about this because it actually was pretty badass. If you think about it, there's really nothing more manly than a manly dude running through a forest with a gun or sharp stabbing weapon in hand and ready to maim and kill as many people as possible. This was basically the premise for the Rambo movies, Predator, etc. Alright I'm moving this to the "Plusses" section.

Plusses:

• The main characters of this movie (the three "last Mohicans") literally spend a good thirty minutes of the movie running through a forest while carrying their rifle/ax, with the dramatic, pulse-pounding film score playing in the background.
  
  
• Awesome music. Listening to the film's score actually makes me want to run shirtless through a forest with a rife and axe in hand. Good stuff.
  
  
• There's this one awesome battle scene where the main bad guy (this Native American dude with a mohawk) defeats this British colonel guy who supposedly murdered his family, pillaged his village, and more or less destroyed his life a few years back. The mohawked Native American dude stands over the colonel (who's lying on the ground after getting thrown off his horse) and tells him "Grayhair, before you die, know that I will put under the knife your children so I will wipe your seed from the Earth forever." He then pulls out his knife and cuts the British colonel's heart out while he's still alive, and then victoriously holds up the still-beating heart while the battle is still going on around them. Good stuff.

Conclusion: Pretty good movie overall. Had all the prerequisites for an awesome manly historical epic - Bosomy babes, a manly protagonist dude who is constantly running through forests and is shirtless at random points in the movie for no reason whatsoever, a guy getting burned alive, a guy getting his heart cut out by a dude with a mohawk, really awesome pulse-pounding background music, and the list goes on. I'm still disappointed by the lack of jumblees or a vaginal penetration scene (or least an implied vaginal penetration scene), but hey, you can't have everything in life.